Bill Yosses, the White House pastry chef, has resigned and is moving on this June. Yosses was hired in 2007 by Laura Bush to make cookie plates and sugar sculptures. After Michelle Obama requested that dishes be lower in fat and sugar and served in smaller portions, he began replacing butter with fruit puree, honey and agave. But, he stated he has never given up on traditional sweets. “I don’t want to demonize cream, butter, sugar and eggs,” Yosses said, noting that his departure from the White House is a “bittersweet decision.” Barack is so fond of Yosses’ pie crust that last Thanksgiving, the first family had nine pies to choose from; huckleberry, pecan, chocolate cream, sweet potato, peach, apple, banana cream, coconut cream and pumpkin. It is interesting to note that there is not a single plum pie in that entire sugary, butter-laden list! I guess chef Yosses did not want Little Barack Horner to be able to pull out a plum and make the false claim, “What a good boy am I.” What the main stream media failed to report at the time was that Little Barack Horner stole the abundant pies from the White House kitchen, which is why he shamefully sat in a corner to eat them! Citizens are astounded at how prophetic the nursery rhyme was regarding narcissism and thievery and will forever look at Little Barack Horner in a new light.
In the real world where the “little people” live, selfish Michelle does not want to share her pies and fries. Instead she would rather instigate a food fight against the American people to make sure they adhere to her hypocritical “Miss Piggy” food standards. She does “appear” to be an expert in all things food, however, so while munching on our fried chicken wings, we all watch her with rapt fascination, like one watches the elephants at the zoo eat and crap. Americans are just hoping that after her trip to China, Michelle will not be pushing chop sticks onto her perceived “puffy cheeked” public after learning first hand that it is not possible to shovel food down as quickly using just two little skinny sticks.
Going forward, in a sugar-less, butter-less, cream-less, egg-less, mutinous Michelle world, there will be no cotton candy at the amusement park, no Bailey’s Irish whipped cream on top of Irish coffee, no sugar crusted creme brulee. No Macaroni and cheese, no double chocolaty chip Frappuccino blended with cream, no Cinnabon’s Caramel Pecanabons, no corn dogs on a stick, no red velvet donuts frosted with slick pink confectioner’s sugar with sprinkles, no triple layered cheeseburgers with double processed cheese and a large side of fries. George Washington’s mother is rolling over in her “Lafayette Gingerbread Cake” grave. Most American’s believe that Michelle’s “Miss Piggy” diet is totally un-American, instead believing it borders on treason, and it is the wish of most Americans to sentence her to life on a fat farm in the not too distant future.
“Stressed” spelled backwards is “Dessert.” Those who think for themselves have learned to eat anything they want as long as it is in moderation and they go for a walk. The inherent problem is not food, but the reflex of the elbow to the mouth. Perhaps Michelle should convert the already federally funded “Planned Parenthood” facilities into home economic learning centers. Rather than teaching parents how to successfully kill babies, they could conduct classes on healthy cooking, planting a Victory garden, how to knit and sew, and general survival techniques, all suitable subjects to help survive in a country where the government is intent on killing off their citizens because their carbon footprint is too great.
While millions of children are going hungry every night and as poverty rises in America, Michelle’s “Let’s Move” campaign is funding the “Super Sprowtz”, a traveling troupe that promotes healthy eating (and poor spelling). Colby Carrot, Brain Broccoli and Erica Eggplant lead their human friends in stretches and dance, while conductor Mushroom Michelle waves her magic celery stick in the aroma-free sky. In this telling YOUTUBE, that must have cost the American taxpayer a fortune, White House chef Sam Klass and his fellow sprouts do a great job demanding that American’s eat their “Super Powers.” ….Don’t tempt us chef Sam, barbecued Barack ribs with a side of Soros sausage and Jarrett jello, symbolically eaten on the Fourth of July, sounds pretty darn appetizing to most Americans right now.
This year, the White House “Easter Egg Roll’ theme is “Hop into Healthy, Swing into Shape.” The official 2014 WHITE HOUSE EASTER EGG is crafted from FSC-certified U.S. hardwood and comes in four colors, stamped with both the signatures of Barack and Michelle. There is also a special edition of “Bo and Sunny” themed eggs when you buy the entire set! I encourage everyone to buy these wooden eggs for two reasons; one, the money raised will help Sunny and Bo purchase their own private jet equipped with an in-flight shiny new red fire hydrant and two, once Michelle decides to outlaw eggs, you can show your grandchildren what an egg looked like back in the olden days of chicken and eggs.
Michelle’s creative juices got especially runny with her “Get Fruved” campaign which cost the taxpayers a fat $5 million dollars. This ambitious project uses a non-diet approach to weight management and instead promotes healthy behavior and a positive body image. Collegiate 4-H students from different states are working together to develop an exciting and interactive social marketing plan. Prankster students will no longer be tugging at Fruit of the Loom underwear tags to create wedgies, instead, this fruity program is much more fulfilling! Hormone charged students can now legitimately parade around like transvestite FRUits and VEgetables ( do you now get FRUVE?) The closet queen campaign centers around five teams; Spinach, Carrot, Banana, Grapes and Tomato, with all five teams led by mascots. Once the campaign has solidified into something “digestible” the traveling tutti fruitti’s will taint high school 4-H students as well. The high school Sex-ed Porn Department will be theatrically entertained while watching Miss Tomato playfully getting “twerked” by a carrot. It is certain that their appetite for food will be successfully suppressed as these students discuss cross pollination and the bird’s and the bee’s rather than food! Brilliant!
This important YOUTUBE demonstrates how well a tomato and banana can jive together! I am sure that the parents who are washing dishes to make sure their children get a proper education will see the benefit in this taxpayer paid program. If it was a fully accredited course called “How to Screw the Taxpayer and Get Away With It” I am sure parents would not mind a little harmless fun. But, the fun does not stop there, these same Fruved students will be recognized as experts in their field and their vast knowledge will be as equally valued as academic expertise. (If you think this cannot possibly be true, click on this LINK. These same fruits and vegetables masked as students are being primed to become the future eco-wacko’s who will enthusiastically join Green Giant Gore in his greedy greenie weenie plan to help destroy America.
Meanwhile, the American taxpayer does not need to get Fruved to lose it’s appetite. The EPA’s indigestible code words “Sustainability” and “littlest impact on the environment” have now been coupled with dietary guidelines. In the past, the federal government’s dietary guidelines were intended exclusively to “promote health and reduce risk for major chronic diseases. No more. Now, for the first time in history, dietary guidelines plan to include immigration, global climate change and agriculture/aquaculture sustainability as well, and will not only increase the price of the food we buy, but will increase the cost assumed by all taxpayers as food stamps, military and school meal programs become more costly, as outlined in this LINK.
All of the above food corruption could not possibly be devised with a clear head. That is why in fiscal 2013, the federal government spent almost $1.3 million dollars on ALCOHOL, more than quadruple the $315,000 spent in 2005 and $400,00 more than 2012. At that rate, 2014 should be a banner year for innovative new government programs created out of a drunken stupor.
In my opinion, college students should forgo their four year educations and instead get their degrees in Mixology. Having the ability to be able to blend fruits and vegetables into “designer drinks” should earn them prestigious positions on Capitol Hill, the party capitol of the world. As an added bonus, eco-mixologist aides will receive free Vitamix’s with a full 64 ounce capacity and… the real kicker…a never ending supply of booze. Why should college students settle for just one spring break a year when they can party every day! So join the perpetual party, “mix” with the best on Capitol Hill and help Miss Piggy fill her cornucopia with disgrace and deceit! UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU!