Monthly Archives: March 2014

Michelle Obama’s Food Fight, a Cornucopia Full of Disgrace and Deceit

 

Michelle Obama’s Food Fight, a Cornucopia Full of Disgrace and Deceit

Michelle Obama’s Food Fight, a Cornucopia Full of Disgrace and Deceit

Bill Yosses, the White House pastry chef, has resigned and is moving on this June. Yosses was hired in 2007 by Laura Bush to make cookie plates and sugar sculptures. After Michelle Obama requested that dishes be lower in fat and sugar and served in smaller portions, he began replacing butter with fruit puree, honey and agave. But, he stated he has never given up on traditional sweets. “I don’t want to demonize cream, butter, sugar and eggs,” Yosses said, noting that his departure from the White House is a “bittersweet decision.” Barack is so fond of Yosses’ pie crust that last Thanksgiving, the first family had nine pies to choose from; huckleberry, pecan, chocolate cream, sweet potato, peach, apple, banana cream, coconut cream and pumpkin. It is interesting to note that there is not a single plum pie in that entire sugary, butter-laden list! I guess chef Yosses did not want Little Barack Horner to be able to pull out a plum and make the false claim, “What a good boy am I.” What the main stream media failed to report at the time was that Little Barack Horner stole the abundant pies from the White House kitchen, which is why he shamefully sat in a corner to eat them! Citizens are astounded at how prophetic the nursery rhyme was regarding narcissism and thievery and will forever look at Little Barack Horner in a new light.

In the real world where the “little people” live, selfish Michelle does not want to share her pies and fries. Instead she would rather instigate a food fight against the American people to make sure they adhere to her hypocritical “Miss Piggy” food standards. She does “appear” to be an expert in all things food, however, so while munching on our fried chicken wings, we all watch her with rapt fascination, like one watches the elephants at the zoo eat and crap. Americans are just hoping that after her trip to China, Michelle will not be pushing chop sticks onto her perceived “puffy cheeked” public after learning first hand that it is not possible to shovel food down as quickly using just two little skinny sticks.

Going forward, in a sugar-less, butter-less, cream-less, egg-less, mutinous Michelle world, there will be no cotton candy at the amusement park, no Bailey’s Irish whipped cream on top of Irish coffee, no sugar crusted creme brulee. No Macaroni and cheese, no double chocolaty chip Frappuccino blended with cream, no Cinnabon’s Caramel Pecanabons, no corn dogs on a stick, no red velvet donuts frosted with slick pink confectioner’s sugar with sprinkles, no triple layered cheeseburgers with double processed cheese and a large side of fries. George Washington’s mother is rolling over in her “Lafayette Gingerbread Cake” grave. Most American’s believe that Michelle’s “Miss Piggy” diet is totally un-American, instead believing it borders on treason, and it is the wish of most Americans to sentence her to life on a fat farm in the not too distant future.

“Stressed” spelled backwards is “Dessert.” Those who think for themselves have learned to eat anything they want as long as it is in moderation and they go for a walk. The inherent problem is not food, but the reflex of the elbow to the mouth. Perhaps Michelle should convert the already federally funded “Planned Parenthood” facilities into home economic learning centers. Rather than teaching parents how to successfully kill babies, they could conduct classes on healthy cooking, planting a Victory garden, how to knit and sew, and general survival techniques, all suitable subjects to help survive in a country where the government is intent on killing off their citizens because their carbon footprint is too great.

While millions of children are going hungry every night and as poverty rises in America, Michelle’s “Let’s Move” campaign is funding the “Super Sprowtz”, a traveling troupe that promotes healthy eating (and poor spelling). Colby Carrot, Brain Broccoli and Erica Eggplant lead their human friends in stretches and dance, while conductor Mushroom Michelle waves her magic celery stick in the aroma-free sky. In this telling YOUTUBE, that must have cost the American taxpayer a fortune, White House chef Sam Klass and his fellow sprouts do a great job demanding that American’s eat their “Super Powers.” ….Don’t tempt us chef Sam, barbecued Barack ribs with a side of Soros sausage and Jarrett jello, symbolically eaten on the Fourth of July, sounds pretty darn appetizing to most Americans right now.

This year, the White House “Easter Egg Roll’ theme is “Hop into Healthy, Swing into Shape.” The official 2014 WHITE HOUSE EASTER EGG is crafted from FSC-certified U.S. hardwood and comes in four colors, stamped with both the signatures of Barack and Michelle. There is also a special edition of “Bo and Sunny” themed eggs when you buy the entire set! I encourage everyone to buy these wooden eggs for two reasons; one, the money raised will help Sunny and Bo purchase their own private jet equipped with an in-flight shiny new red fire hydrant and two, once Michelle decides to outlaw eggs, you can show your grandchildren what an egg looked like back in the olden days of chicken and eggs.

Michelle’s creative juices got especially runny with her “Get Fruved” campaign which cost the taxpayers a fat $5 million dollars. This ambitious project uses a non-diet approach to weight management and instead promotes healthy behavior and a positive body image. Collegiate 4-H students from different states are working together to develop an exciting and interactive social marketing plan. Prankster students will no longer be tugging at Fruit of the Loom underwear tags to create wedgies, instead, this  fruity program is much more fulfilling! Hormone charged students can now legitimately parade around like transvestite FRUits and VEgetables ( do you now get FRUVE?) The closet queen campaign centers around five teams; Spinach, Carrot, Banana, Grapes and Tomato, with all five teams led by mascots. Once the campaign has solidified into something “digestible” the traveling tutti fruitti’s will taint high school 4-H students as well. The high school Sex-ed Porn Department will be theatrically entertained while watching Miss Tomato playfully getting “twerked” by a carrot. It is certain that their appetite for food will be successfully suppressed as these students discuss cross pollination and the bird’s and the bee’s rather than food! Brilliant!

This important YOUTUBE  demonstrates how well a tomato and banana can jive together!  I am sure that the parents who are washing dishes to make sure their children get a proper education will see the benefit in this taxpayer paid program. If it was a fully accredited course called “How to Screw the Taxpayer and Get Away With It” I am sure parents would not mind a little harmless fun. But, the fun does not stop there, these same Fruved students will be recognized as experts in their field and their vast knowledge will be as equally valued as academic expertise. (If you think this cannot possibly be true, click on this LINK. These same fruits and vegetables masked as students are being primed to become the future eco-wacko’s who will enthusiastically join Green Giant Gore in his greedy greenie weenie plan to help destroy America.

Meanwhile, the American taxpayer does not need to get Fruved to lose it’s appetite. The EPA’s indigestible code words  “Sustainability” and “littlest impact on the environment” have now been coupled with dietary guidelines. In the past, the federal government’s dietary guidelines were intended exclusively to “promote health and reduce risk for major chronic diseases. No more. Now, for the first time in history, dietary guidelines plan to include immigration, global climate change and agriculture/aquaculture sustainability as well, and will not only increase the price of the food we buy, but will increase the cost assumed by all taxpayers as food stamps, military and school meal programs become more costly, as outlined in this LINK.

All of the above food corruption could not possibly be devised with a clear head. That is why in fiscal 2013, the federal government spent almost $1.3 million dollars on ALCOHOL, more than quadruple the $315,000 spent in 2005 and $400,00 more than 2012. At that rate, 2014 should be a banner year for innovative new government programs created out of a drunken stupor.

In my opinion, college students should forgo their four year educations and instead get their degrees in Mixology. Having the ability to be able to blend fruits and vegetables into “designer drinks” should earn them prestigious positions on Capitol Hill, the party capitol of the world. As an added bonus, eco-mixologist aides will receive free Vitamix’s with a full 64 ounce capacity and… the real kicker…a never ending supply of booze. Why should college students settle for just one spring break a year when they can party every day! So join the perpetual party, “mix” with the best on Capitol Hill and help Miss Piggy fill her cornucopia with disgrace and deceit! UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU!

Michelle Obama, the New 8th Wonder of the World!

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Michelle Obama, her daughters, and her mother are in China this week without President Obama, who has his own trip planned to Europe and Saudi Arabia. It has created a bit of a national crisis because of all the in-fighting going on over who gets Air Force One and who gets Air Force Two because there is a crucial difference between the two; the stewards don’t serve alcohol on Air Force Two and require Blackberries to be turned off and seat-belts fastened. In addition, the press seats on Two are much smaller and two bathrooms mid-plane must be shared by staff and press alike. Both Obama dogs and their handlers are also perturbed and feel slighted because their private jet will not be accompanying the family to China for a much needed inspection of facilities that produced jerky treats which poisoned hundreds of American dogs. But, all’s well that ends well because the diplomatic forces on Capitol Hill know that Michelle will be doing what she does best….V.A.C.A.T.I.O.N.  and a happy wife is a happy life for her vast support team!

Michelle will be meeting with the First Lady of China, Peng Liyuan, a People’s Liberation Army (PLA ) Major General and goodwill ambassador to the World Health Organization. Her husband, Xi Jinping, China’s state President has his degree in Marxist theory and ideological education, so he and Michelle will hopefully be able to share a cozy fireside chat and exchange notes about Marxist indoctrination in their respective government school systems. Michelle also plans to visit with high school and university students. The secret service has been placed on high alert, ready to grab Michelle if she tries to inspect the student’s lunch pails. During the March 19-26 trip, Michelle and her enormous entourage of cosmeticians, wig fitters, eyebrow painters and assorted other servants will visit Beijing, Xi’an and Chengdu and she is asking American students to follow her travels by tuning into the Global Learning and Diplomacy Blog. In advance of the trip, Michelle pointed out in the blog that poverty and climate change are of a global nature and that “These issues affect every last one of us, so it’s critically important that young people like you learn about what’s going on not just here in America, but around the world.”

I am sure that many children in America whose parents do not have a job, have had their health insurance canceled, and are foraging for food in dumpsters will be fascinated with her concern for global issues, including poverty and education. According to a report in The Nation, “With the exception of Romania, no developed country has a higher percentage of kids in poverty than America. America also has a remarkably high percentage of people in what is called “deep poverty,” less than half the official poverty rate.” “That so many leaders of a country with a $17 trillion economy tolerate so much misery amid so much plenty is one of the great scandals of our age.”

As far as education is concerned, according to The Broad Foundation, after World War II, the United States had the #1 high school graduation rate in the world. Today, we have dropped to #22 among 27 industrialized nations. American students rank 25th in math, 17th in science and 14th in reading compared to students in 27 industrialized countries and less than half of American students, 46 percent, finish college, putting the USA in last position among 18 countries measured on this indicator.

Impressive, if you want a bunch of students unprepared for the real global world. But Americans know that Michelle does care about government run schools and along with her Common Core groupies is very concerned that students get their proper training in pornographic LGBT and sex education. After all, If they do well in those classes, then their “A” in sex will outweigh their “D’s” in math and science and will allow them to graduate. While students scratch their drugged ADHD foggy heads and wonder if maybe the last vaccination that Uncle Sam forced upon them may have contributed to their chronic confusion, they are content to spend the next week watching Michelle on their school computers instead of reading the multicultural, politically correct Common Core reading requisites like, Dreaming In Cuban by Cristina Garcia, which is more like reading an article from the latest Hustler magazine.

In addition to their similar viewpoints regarding Marxist inspired education, mythical Michelle and Peng share other potentially bonding traits. Peng is an expert in folklore and elaborates on her fairy tales by singing.  Among her most popular songs are Embroidering the Red Flag and, To See Liberation For All Oppressed  (no joke). Perhaps Michelle can show off her singing talent as well! I am sure that Peng would be impressed with her version of Happy Birthday that she sang to Barack last year at his birthday party!

While Michelle conducts speeches which detail Al Gore climatology and eating healthy brown rice instead of white, the important human rights issues will be left to Secretary of State John Fonda Kerry who recently stated that many governments are engaging in politically motivated prosecutions and using new technologies to control dissent, whether in public squares or through various types of technology. Kerry singled out several governments he said have abused the human rights of their countrymen, including; Syria, Russia, China, Egypt, Bangladesh and Ukraine. He said 80 governments around the world have enacted laws discriminating against homosexuals.

China immediately came back with a Jab at the U.S.A. accusing it of hypocrisy concerning human rights violations, saying that “posing as ‘the world judge of human rights’ the U.S. government “made arbitrary attacks and irresponsible remarks” on the human rights situation in more than 200 countries and regions. “However, the U.S. carefully concealed and avoided mentioning its own human rights problems, adding that the U.S. tapping program, code-named PRISM which exercises long-term vast surveillance both at home and abroad is a “blatant violation of international law” and seriously infringes on human rights.” China goes on to point out the drone strikes that have caused significant civilian casualties, that unemployment has topped 21 % and the homeless population has climbed to 16%.

While on her tour, Michelle will be visiting the Great Wall of China, one of the New 7 Wonders of the World. The Wall, a series of fortifications made of stone, brick, tamped earth, wood and other materials, is approximately 5,500 miles long. It has been rumored that the Wall can be seen from space, which has proven to be a total fallacy. However, Al Gore’s climate scientists, known for their accuracy, have successfully shot a photo of Michelle’s visit to the Wall from space using an advanced telescopic lens, as evidenced in the above photo of Michelle taken from Gores climate-gate telescope in the sky! Now space shot Michelle can claim to be the 8th New Wonder of the World!  It is also worthy to note Michelle’s ability to hide her Crown Jewels for so long, baffling to both investigators and Americans alike! Citizens would like to know her secret and wish that Fort Knox, which has not been audited in over 60 years, had such a secure “vault” for it’s treasure!

While Michelle, Our “Belle”  is munching on fried sesame quail eggs and planning her next vacation, Americans are plotting another get-a-way for her as well! A collection has been taken to coordinate a NASA trip to the moon, a space flight complete with booze, large bathrooms, and the ability to be unrestrained from seat belts. There will be plenty of room for the liberal press as well. Frank Sinatra even had the foresight to sing about her upcoming trip this spring with his version of Fly Me to the Moon, encouraging  Michelle to  play among the stars and see what spring is like on both Jupiter and Mars!

So, while viewing the moon this spring, if you can clearly see the “man” in the moon…it just may be Michelle Obama enjoying her extraordinary extended vacation, courtesy of the American taxpayer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saint Patrick Would Have Booted O’bama out of Ireland!

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Legend has it that the Patron Saint of Ireland, St. Patrick, rid the island of snakes, chasing them into the sea after they began attacking him during a 40 day fast he undertook on top of a hill. But, scientists have concluded that St. Patrick had nothing to do with Ireland’s snake-free status, that the most recent ice age, 15,000 years ago, kept the island too cold for snakes and after the ice age, the surrounding sea’s kept snakes from colonizing the Emerald Isle. Snakes symbolize paganism and evil, as described throughout Judeo-Christian mythology, the most famous as Eve’s tempter in the Garden of Eden, therefore, St. Patrick’s fame can more likely be attributed to the banishment of godless people and their malevolent intentions. New Zealand, Iceland, Greenland, Antarctica and Ireland are all snake-free…that is, Ireland was snake-free until America’s “Head of Snake” Barack Obama and his slithery entourage were invited to mingle with the people of Éire…for an ungodly second time last summer!

Obama’s first trip to Ireland in 2011 was destined to become a huge success. The prize diplomatic rabbit in Obama’s black hat at that time was that many, many, many rabbits ago, he had an ancestor, on his mother’s side, who hailed from Ireland! That significant piece of genealogical information was fascinating to many Americans who at once realized that Obama’s beer summits were not just make-believe fantasies that had been conjured up to enhance his “cool” image, they were rooted in Obamas Irish lineage and desire to keep Guinness in good financial stead! Obama’s seemingly infinite gene pool bubbled lucky green that year and he intended to enchant the Irish in pathetic python-like fashion, camouflaging and re-inventing himself as a true native of Ireland. Upon arrival, our “Head of Snake” announced, “My name is Barack Obama, of the Moneygall Obama’s and I’ve come home to find the apostrophe we lost somewhere along the way.” (shouldn’t that be lost chromosome?)

When Obama returned to Ireland the summer before with his over-sized Leprechaun wife, Michelle, the couple immediately became the darlings of the green jet set in Northern Ireland and the perfect examples of the term “Ugly Americans.” As the headlines back home highlighted impending sequester and subsequent budget cuts, Michelle demonstrated just how frugally Irish she was with her $3,300-per-night stay in Dublin’s five-star Shelbourne hotel and $5 million dollar total travel tab. She, their daughters, and her many slaves booked 30 rooms in the hotel while Michelle hunkered down in the Princess Grace Suite, named for the late Hollywood film star and princess of Monaco. The American taxpayers who were footing the bill did not mind the expense of her lavish digs, however, because her ignorant wasteful spending would eventually pay off diplomatically when Michelle would be able to claim royal linkage to Monaco, and officially attribute her “crown” to the Princess Grace inspired royal silk sheets that she “slept with” for two days! “Aller voler un cerf-volant” Michelle!

While in Northern Ireland, O’bama spoke to 2,000 Irish students and declared, “To those who choose the path of peace, I promise you, the United States of America will support you every step of the way. We will always be the wind at your back.”

Oh, oh. I do hope the Irish children had been taught beforehand that Obama’s “wind” suffers from a bad gas that is not pleasant to be around and “promise” to him has a totally different meaning! Obama’s version of P.R.O.M.I.S.E. is really a euphemism for; Pompous, Radical, Obstinate, Miscreant, Imperious, Sinful and Egregious, behavior. An “Obama-like promise” made by any good Irish American Catholic would send them packing to the nearest confessional for a serious chat with a highly concerned priest!

Obama, consumed by the spirit of Phythos which mimics the mighty python snake, is used to delivering false promises because his pathalogical lies have become commonplace in America where evil has been legitimized and sin justified. Unfortunately, Northern Ireland experienced, first-hand, the inherent evil of this snake-like presidential predator who gets a kick out of ambushing his unsuspecting victims. During his speech to the predominately Catholic young crowd, Obama boldly stated that religious education can promote division and resentment. A top Vatican official, Archbishop Gerhard Muller, was at the same time telling an audience in Scotland that Catholic education provided a rare place where “intellectual training, moral discipline and religious commitment would come together,” adding that Catholic education provides young people with a wonderful opportunity to “grow up with Jesus.”

Slimy O’bama further angered church officials by emphasizing that “if towns remain divided, if Catholics have their schools and buildings and Protestants have theirs, if we can’t see ourselves in one another and fear or resentment are allowed to harden, that too encourages division and discourages cooperation.”

Bishop Donal McKeown in Northern Ireland immediately blasted Obama for his insensitive attacks on Catholic schools and accused him of a “hackneyed” analysis of the region’s political situation. The Bishop went on to say that “It is the Catholic schools in Northern Ireland that are now among the most racially and linguistically mixed. And, while so many young people are very open to new friendships and opportunities, it needs to be stated that it is adults outside schools who promote mistrust for their own political and personal agenda’s.”

American Catholics for Religious Freedom pointed out that the media completely ignored the story and that, “Secular progressives like President Obama ignore the truth that faith-based education is a component of the religious freedom guaranteed by the Constitution. He can’t bear the thought that Catholic and parochial schools not only teach important values, but consistently produce better educational results at lower cost than America’s failing public schools.”

I doubt that the higher-ups in Ireland will want to share a pint of Guinness with Black Irish O’bama anytime soon. Perhaps O’bama should work on honing his diplomatic skills at the next meeting of the Muslim Brotherhood and tell them they should no longer have Islamic schools in mosques! Maybe then, after pleading for his survival, he would learn when to shut his tele-prompted mouth. I would certainly love to be a fly on the turkey bacon at that intense gathering of agitated Jihadists!

America’s most treasured commodity, our children, are being played like pawns in the political chess game. The standards of Common Core in our public schools are meant to harm and impede not enlighten and advance, and our children’s religious rights and freedoms are being kicked to hell by an out of control, belligerent rabid donkey that is deliriously hee-hawing with sacreligous greed now that the religious are  being forced to pay a tax that supports abortion! Many Republicans fall into the “ass” category as well, but for now, the focus must be on stopping the Marxist Democrats who are currently in control on Capitol Hill.

To help the flow of beer and political blarney, I am providing you with an Irish pub song that will help enhance your festivities.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!