During a news conference in London last week, Barack Obama took the time to address a very important international issue, the North Carolina Law that requires transgender people to use public bathrooms that correspond to their gender designation at birth.

With Prime Minister David Cameron by his side, it was an important diplomatic moment for Barack because the U.K. had just issued an extreme travel advisory to its wimpy citizens warning them not to travel to certain ‘no-go heterosexual bathroom zones’ in America! Oh, the horror of dirty bathroom wars! If only during the War of Independence, George Washington had known that correctly labeling bathrooms would have sent the scaredy-cat British scurrying for gender cover! Baffling bathroom tactics would have allowed our gutsy he-man patriots who simply peed in the woods to march to victory much sooner!

While standing on that stoop at 10 Downing Street, Commander-in-apology Barack seized the political moment, his wide mouthed, toothy grin poised ready for gain and glory, and one more gratifying photo op. Without the assistance of his Secretary of State, John Fonda Kerry, Minstrel James Taylor, Court Jester Joe Biden or trusted Iranian, Valerie Jarett, Barack sternly took command and stated to the world that the North Carolina bathroom law was “wrong and should be overturned.”

It was a moment in time most Americans will never forget, for it was the first time the president ever spoke from knowledge and experience! This was not about Iran, Syria or North Korea, this was about Barack’s area of expertise, a sentiment expressed from America’s first gay president, the man who took a transgender to be his wife, the first queer couple of the United States! In fact, Barack’s plea for ‘pee peace’ was so monumental that it may even one day earn him the ‘Nobel Pee Prize’ for his gallant efforts to stop North Carolina from admitting perverts into girls bathrooms!

The good news is now that Barack is back, he finally has something to focus on other than golf, and bathroom wars do not entail sending troops into harms way!

In the meantime, Michelle Doubtfire Obama has decided to stay out of the bathroom wars, maybe fearing one day she herself would have to courageously walk into the correct bathroom for her gender. Instead, Michelle Doubtfire has turned her energy from getting sweet tips from celebrity transgender Candy Candis Cayne to offering non-sugary tips to Day Care Centers!

Last week new rules stemming from the school lunch law championed by Michelle Doubtfire are banning popular children’s foods in daycare centers across the country. The regulation will only allow daycare centers to serve juice once a day, will ban fried foods, and encourages centers to not add honey to a child’s yogurt.

Michelle Doubtfire’s law requires the USDA to “promote health and wellness in child care settings” and is the first major change to the program since 1968. Going into effect in 60 days, Lucky Charms, Trix, Cocoa Puffs, Cap’n Crunch and Frosted Flakes will be replaced with nursing home favorites, Fiber One and All-Bran. Lucky kids.

To Michelle Doubtfire, allowing sweet male transgender Candis to pee in a Ladies Room is okay, but Frosted Flakes are just wicked little devil’s that should never enter the mouths of babes!

The government calls this new law that will affect over 3.3 million children, a “collective” approach to eating.

What about “collective sins?” Having transgender “Fruit Loops” in the little girls room is far more destructive and harmful to our children’s health!

It’s time to revolt!

Keep our children safe by boycotting retailers who encourage transgender’s to commingle in bathrooms and dressing rooms…and as a special precaution, advise your children to avoid Fiber One and All-Bran, a trip to the bathroom may be hazardous to their health!