There are many government officials going on the naughty list this year. It is one thing to be a far left, country destroying progressive, but quite another to be an out and out liar. Washington D.C. now leads the nation for Santa’s “most naughty people in one place on the planet” and our nation’s capitol is now his least favorite stop on Christmas eve. The only saving grace is that the National Mall is a great grazing ground for Rudolph and the reindeer to rest and defecate because the air in D.C. is so “ripe” that no one seems to take much notice of their much needed bathroom break.
This year, Santa’s manager at the North Pole has taken an inventory of all the toys needed for this years sleigh ride and noticed there were a few aberrations in the 2013 line up. A disgruntled rogue elf decided to add to Santa’s sack a politically correct baby doll created by Fisher- Price, called the “Little Mommy Real Loving Baby Cuddle and Coo” doll whose baby gibberish includes “Islam is the Light.” Santa is not happy, so he has ordered all those dolls to be shipped “special delivery” to Gitmo where the terrorists there can feel the love and “cuddle and coo” along with the Muslim baby dolls. The “Politically Correct Holiday Stories for an Enlightened Yuletide Season” have also been scrapped. Santa cannot figure out how Christmas can ever have Christ taken out of it for the sake of political correctness! In addition, the “Non-Violent, Politically Correct War Card Game” has also been removed from Santa’s inventory. Santa in his wisdom knows that war can never be non-violent, therefore, he believes this game to be too deceiving for little children.
On the other hand, there are some toys that are perpetual hits and will remain on Santa’s popular toy list for a few more seasons. One of the most popular is the Hillary “nutcracker” a very colorful rendition of a pants wearing Hillary who enjoys cracking nuts between her legs, and the Bill Clinton 1998 “Fondle Me Bubba Talking Stuffed Doll.” Newer items that Santa feels will be added to his “Most Popular Gifts” this year will be the “Farting Pootin’ Tootin’ President Obama Doll, which when pulling his finger, lets out a “toot” while insulting his Republican adversaries. Also deemed to become popular is the Obama punching bag and, brand new from Santa’s own creative work shop, a jumbo sized umbrella imprinted with two stately Marines in full dress. Santa wants the general populace who watched our Commander-in-chief order two Marines to hold umbrella’s over him to shield him from misty conditions, to also be protected from big bad rain drops by a couple of stately Marines. Finally, U.S. flag t-shirts, even though banned from most public schools in America, are enjoying a resurgence as the hot new collectible from a bygone era when children could freely wear and show off their patriotic pride while saying the Pledge of Allegiance before beginning classes.
To add to Santa’s worries this year, Santa was especially dismayed to find out that East Point Academy elementary school in Cayce, South Carolina has been forced to cancel their charitable “Operation Christmas Child.” Under the program, students collect toys, pencils and other small items, pack them into shoe boxes and donate them to needy children. This project was stopped by the “American Humanist Association” whose principles include the separation of church and state and they point to the fact that the charity is part of “Samaritan’s Purse” an international Christian based organization led by Franklin Graham, son of Evangelist, Billy Graham. Although the school’s principle, Renee Mathews says that “There’s no religious literature tied with it, no speakers who come, not religious affiliation at all” the outside group has claimed victory in stopping the generous project. Santa is annoyed that the children who attend that school will get the wrong impression that Christ has no place in their charitable giving, even though their charitable acts are based on God’s principles and his Ten Commandments!
Meanwhile, over in Europe, Santa has another set of growing problems. German cities have adopted a ban on the use of Christian symbols in the public celebration of Christmas. In Berlin’s Kreuzberg, Christmas is only allowed in the home, so that the religious feelings of others are not injured. A Christmas tree may only be set up in a central location, allocated by the authorities in advance. Berlin’s traditional Christmas market this year only received approval after the event was renamed “Winterfest.” Santa feels that if it were a well intended, truly multicultural agenda, then all faith’s would be permitted to celebrate their religious holiday’s, with a priority given to the country’s predominant Judeo-Christian culture! “Bah Humbug in Berlin!” declares Santa!
Meanwhile, back in the States, homeowners in an Orange County, California neighborhood have been ordered to remove their outdoor Christmas lights because the decorations are an obstruction and violate county code ordinances. For the past five years neighbors have gone all-out for Christmas and their display draws visitors from across the entire region. Santa plans on giving the resident’s there an extra dose of Yuletide spirit to fight the County Grinch’s who are responsible for this colossal Christmas faux pas.
Fortunately for Santa, he recently received word that “The Tennessee Valley Authority” (TVA) will be closing eight, coal-fired power plants, one of the country’s five biggest users of coal for electricity, generating 3,300 megawatts of electricity. The plants set for closure include 6 in Alabama and 2 in Kentucky. The EPA, led by the Sierra Club was at the forefront of the battle to get these plants closed and means tons of readily available, excess coal for naughty stockings, which is obviously much needed this year. It is kind of bittersweet, however, because many workers will be laid off as a result of the plant closures and Santa will have to work that much harder to bring toys to the needy children in that area for Christmas.
Yes, the naughty list keeps expanding as bureaucrats continue to lie, cheat and steal, causing the number of impoverished family’s to steadily rise and increasing Santa’s work load exponentially. As Santa prepares for his lengthy trip, he asks that some stops along the way replace that customary glass of milk, with a bourbon Manhattan on the rocks with a shiny red cherry on top. Santa says he will need it this year.